DINNER FOR THREE

The impetus for the article started with my friend sharing a very sad story. Alice had just lost her husband six months previously. She traveled to her home in Florida where her condominium community was having a group dinner. She said to a married woman that she and her husband used to socialize with, that she would like to join their group table for the dinner. Imagine Alice's distress when her friend told Alice that she could not sit at their table but had to sit at the singles table instead.

This story brought tears to her eyes and to mine also. How heartless of the woman. It made me wonder what the motivation was for this comment. Was it because the woman felt she had to classify people as couples or singles when socializing? Does the world only allow people to function in pairs? If so, do you agree and if you do not agree, what would you do about it?

I decided to do some research. I asked friends of mine who were widowed and unattached for their take on this situation. Quite a few women, in fact, agreed that you were treated differently when you are single. All of a sudden, you are relegated to another category. One of the women told me that she felt as if she had died as well. I wondered if the same applies to me (I did hear of a widower whose friendship of 30 years with another couple was suddenly ended with no explanation. So maybe the knife cuts both ways, but that is a different article.)

Isolation and loneliness are two incredibly uncomfortable feelings. After your significant other passes away or you are divorced, you go through a private mourning period (described by Katherine Kubler Ross) but then most people want to socialize again. The question is: what is comfortable for the individual and for the couple when going out to dinner, a familiar social setting?

A woman friend who had been divorced called whenever she was in town and my husband and I would make arrangement to see her for dinner. We always enjoyed the conversation and catching up on our families. Because I was working and she was not, I would pick up the tab. If I go to lunch with a friend, we always just split the tab. But dinner with 3 has become a different situation now that my husband and I are retired. Usually the waiter presents the check to the man at the table. I would rather not have my husband put in the awkward position of asking our friend to pay her share. We certainly want to continue the friendship, so how can we avoid a socially awkward situation like this?

My suggestion, and I do hope to hear from others, is that when you ask someone out to dinner you can say, "We were thinking of restaurant XYZ. Does that restaurant's price point work for you/" and then add, "since we will be going Dutch." In that way you get an agreement to the costs of the restaurant and that the table will be split 2/3 to 1/3. No one gets left out of the decision - no surprises and plenty of time to enjoy each other's company.

Another solution is that the single woman invite the couple to her house for dinner, suggesting that they bring the customary bottle of wine and/or dessert.

No matter how the social situation is handled, I sincerely hope that going to dinner is an inclusive situation. No one wants to feel isolated. We just have to come up with ways that make everyone feel comfortable. Both sides should be encouraged to invite the other. Equal responsibility for socializing makes sure that no one feels slighted.

Let's continue the discussion. Please weigh in with your suggestions by responding to NGoldInteractive@gmail.com....just go to the contact us button at the top of the page.